I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
