In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
