Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
you had me at cake vodka
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
