The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
