I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Randomize
