Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
