Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
