and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
