I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
