lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
