It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
