i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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