Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
