I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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