grandma shit on top of the toilet
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
You dont lie about slip and slides
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
