my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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