when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
