If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Randomize
