This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
