hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Randomize
