carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
