We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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