Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
