when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
