Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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