We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
