Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
