fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
