its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
You are the jesus of drinking
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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