i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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