I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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