I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
