so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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