i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
