Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
