On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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