just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
