Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
