I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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