from now on my penis is your penis
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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