you're like a bully in the Christmas story
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Randomize
