Where are you?
In a non slutty way
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
