went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
