listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
