fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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