If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
