My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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