He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
