Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
