I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
