I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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